How Do I Live?
by KTarra
Summary: Just my take on the events following Retribution 2. It's another she's not dead, but they don't know it yet, scenario. Just love those!
1. Chapter 1

How Do I Live?

Chpt 1

Author's note: This idea popped in my head and it absolutely will not let go. So I'm doing my best to get it out before my muse drives me totally insane! Lol! Hope you like! And yea, I totally ripped the titled from the song. I couldn't think of anything else at the moment. I may change the title if the story starts to fit something else.

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><p>February 2148<p>

Major Matt "Hawk" Masterson walked into the new command center at their new base near the Arctic Circle aptly named Northstar. He was impressed that Stuart Power had managed to build a back up base for them should they ever lose the original Power Base. It was a good base, but it wasn't home. Probably never would be. It was missing something. Hawk knew what was missing but he also knew there was a damn thing he could do about it. Jennifer was what was missing. Before she joined their group they were all close but after she came to them they became a family. Now she was gone, lost in the destruction of the original base.

Yet in reality, they'd lost more than just Jennifer. They'd lost Jon too. Sure, he was physically still there but only just. He was a shell; a man just going through the motions of life and fighting a war. He had gone to taking his meals alone and only interacted with the others when a mission was involved. Otherwise he kept to his personal quarters or the spot he chose to sit at outside near the top of the base. He'd sit out there for hours. Nobody knew what he did out there. Nobody really wanted to know.

Hawk sighed. He wished he could help Jon but there wasn't anything he or anyone could do; especially when the whole team was hurting. He knew it was a little different for Jon, but they'd all loved her in their own way. They just hadn't been in love with her. They'd all heard Jennifer's dying words. She'd told Jon she loved him, and Hawk had gathered from Jon's actions that he'd never said it back to her. Jennifer had died not knowing how much Jon loved her. Hawk knew this was playing a huge part in Jon's reaction to her death.

He remembered the old saying that 'time heals all wounds', but he wasn't so sure this time.

"Hey, Hawk!" Sgt. Robert "Scout" Baker called from his post effectively dragging Hawk out of his dark thoughts.

"Yea, Rob. What's up?" He responded coming to stand behind the younger man.

"I just got off the radio with a tech at The Passages. They are in so many words demanding that we put in an appearance."

"Did they say why?"

"No. The guy said he was just told to pass along the message in the strongest possible terms that ALL of us needed to show up there and soon."

"Hmm. Are you sure it came from The Passages?" Matt queried.

"Yes, their security codes checked out. So what do we do?"

"I guess we tell the Captain. Have you seen him lately?"

"I passed him in the corridor about three hours ago. He was headed topside."

"Figures."

"Matt, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure."

"How long did it take you to start healing when you lost your wife?"

That was the last question Matt was expecting.

"Well, honestly, if you're wondering if I can give you a time frame for when the Captain will start acting like himself again. I can't. Joanna and I had been married for a long time, had a life, a family, and we knew that we loved each other. I know that when she died she knew I loved her, and I know she loved me. Jon doesn't have that luxury. Jennifer told him how she felt but he never got the chance to tell her so he's dealing not only with her loss but the regret of never having shared those feelings with her. Jennifer died never knowing that Jon loved her the way she loved him. It's a hell of a burden to have. I wish I could tell you that our Captain will return, but honestly I'm not sure he ever will."

"I was afraid of that, but we're all hurting here, Matt and he's moping around like he's the only who lost somebody. To be blunt, I'm beginning to wonder if he's even fit to lead this cell much longer if he keeps closing in on himself. Guilt is tough, I know. I've been there, but if he doesn't start to try to move on soon I don't see this going anywhere good."

"I know. I'll go talk to him. See if I can't knock some sense into him. Get the ship ready to go to The Passages. We need to find out what's up there. Let Tank know we're leaving in the hour."

"Should I let the Passages know we're coming?"

"Nah, just on the off chance that everything is not kosher, let's surprise them."

"Got it. Tank and I'll meet you at the jumpship in an hour."

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><p>Matt made his way out of the command center and back to his quarters to get his heavy coat and then made his way up to top observation post. Riding the elevator up, he plotted out his course of action. Right now on a good day Jon was just surly, on a bad day he was downright belligerent. Scout was right. Things needed to change. Jennifer wouldn't want Jon doing this to their family or himself.<p>

The elevator stopped at the top of the post and Matt noticed the escape hatch was open again and Jon was sitting a little ways outside. "Damn fool. Out there like a sitting duck." Matt muttered to himself.

Matt climbed through the hatch and approached Jon. He wasn't being quiet so he knew Jon heard him, but he didn't react.

"Jon."

No response.

"Jon."

Again no response. _That's it!_ He thought.

"Jon, we got a message from The Passages. They need us there for something. I told Scout and Tank to get the ship ready." And yet again Jon did not respond. Matt stormed right over to him.

"Jonathan Power, I know you're parents taught you better than this and Jennifer wouldn't want you doing this to yourself, now get your rear up and do your job!"

Jennifer's name finally got a reaction.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'D WANT? SHE'S DEAD!" Jon yelled back, the lid finally blowing.

"Because I knew her. I spent time with her, just like you. She would never have wanted you to do this yourself. You're destroying this team, our family. You seem to think you're the only one hurting, but you're not. We all lost someone here. Maybe we weren't in love with her but we all loved her, and its time you remembered that. I know exactly how you feel. You know I do, but this war doesn't stop because your heart is broken. Now, I've told Scout and Tank that we'll be leaving in an hour, and the message was ALL of us needed to show up so if you're not on the ship when we're ready I'll declare you unfit for command and have Tank forcibly strap you in." Matt finally finished having said his piece.

That almost got a smile out of Jon.

"I'll be there. Just give me a few more minutes." Jon replied quietly.

"Sure, Jon." Hawk said turning to leave. "Before I go, I know you're hurting but you gotta find a way to go on living without her."

"I know. I just don't know if I can do that." He responded quietly. Matt knew the conversation was over and left.

Jon was soon by himself again, sitting in the cold of the Arctic North. He knew Matt was right. He had a job to do, he just couldn't bring himself to care much anymore about anything, including himself. Maybe it was time for him to walk away. That idea appealed to him. Go somewhere where he wasn't reminded of Jennifer every time he turned a corner or boarded the jumpship.

Standing he realized he'd come to a decision. He'd go with the team to the Passages and from there he didn't know where he'd go, but somewhere far away. He had to leave, or lose what little was left of himself.

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><p>That's it for now. I'll update again soon! The next chapter is already in the works. KT<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

How Do I Live?

Chpt 2

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><p>An hour later found the remaining members of the Power team on board the jump ship headed for the Passages. Jon had been true to his word and had been on board when the rest of the team showed up but he took a seat in the back. He didn't want to command anymore. Matt took over, finally realizing how truly broken Jon had become.<p>

The whole flight down to what had been Los Angeles, Matt couldn't shake that something was up with Jon. He had a bad feeling that Jon was about to do something monumentally stupid while he wasn't thinking right. Well, even Stuart Power great man that he was had his moments, but he'd had Morgana to keep him grounded. Jon was floundering in a big way. Matt figured he better stick close to Jon for a bit.

"We're on approach, Hawk. I've just receive the clearance to land."

"Then set us down and let's see what they wanted us for." Hawk responded.

A short time later, as they were disembarking the ship, they were met by a man, who was quite clearly a doctor.

"Ah, Captain Power! I'm so glad you could come on short notice!"

Matt noticing that Jon wasn't going to respond quickly jumped in.

"I'm Major Masterson; I don't believe we've met before. You are?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Dr. Hayes. I'm one of the new surgeons here at the Passages. I've only been here a few weeks. I'm the one who had the message sent to you all."

"Well, what can we help you with, Doctor?" Matt replied.

"Actually, I think it's what can I help you with?"

"Come again?" Scout interjected.

"It's better if I just show you. If you all will follow me please, I think we found something that belongs to you guys."

The team was more than a little puzzled by this new doctor, and even Jon was a little curious.

_Couldn't hurt to see what he thinks he's found_. Jon thought to himself.

The Doctor was motioning for them to follow, so they quickly fell into line behind him. Doctor Hayes was not a tall or a young man but he moved fairly quickly. They all had to work to keep up with him. It wasn't very long till he led them to a large cavern that had been set up like a hospital ward with curtains everywhere and every bed occupied by someone in need of help. The doctor continued to far corner of the room and stopped them before he took them in.

"Now, I feel I should tell you that I'm sorry we didn't contact you all sooner. I had no idea who we had here. She's been here about two weeks, but hasn't said much of…"

"She?" Jon jumped in; pushing passed the Doctor, and pulling the curtain back.

"Jennifer!" Jon gasped. There on the bed before him was Jennifer, sleeping soundly. The only indication that anything was wrong with her was the IV attached to her left arm.

The team stood there in total shock. _Jennifer was alive!_

Jon couldn't move. He almost couldn't breathe.

Hawk was the first to gather his wits.

"Is she ok?" He asked the Doctor.

"Yes. She's going to be fine. Like I said she got here about two weeks ago. She'd apparently been severely injured recently. She'd had a few field surgeries done to repair her injuries, and last week, I had to go in and finish some of the repair work. She will recover, given enough time."

"Most everyone in the Passages knows us. How come no one recognized her?"

"She came in on a refugee transport out of New Mexico, and we've had some turnovers in personnel in the med wards." He finished quietly. Everyone knew what turnovers meant.

"So the people that should have known who she was weren't here?" Lt. Michael "Tank" Ellis stated.

"Precisely."

"Any idea what happened to her?" Scout asked.

"I'm afraid not. When she arrived here, she wasn't in the best shape. She only started talking a little bit two days ago, but nothing any one could understand until this morning when she said her name. We all assumed she had some kind of amnesia as she seemed unable to recall her name. One of the nurses said that she needed a name, and decided to call her Jessica. The nurse, a lady named Anna Beth, was taking her vitals this morning and talking to her. She was telling Jennifer that until she recalled her name that they were going to call her Jessica, Jessie for short. That's when she spoke clearly for the first time. She said her name was Jennifer. Jennifer Chase. Not JESSICA. Well another patient close by heard the name and well it just spiraled out from there. We soon realized we had to get you all here as soon as possible."

"You're sure she's going to be ok?" Jon spoke for the first time.

"Yes, Captain. She's healing well and remarkably fast. Most likely because she's young. I won't lie to you though. She's got a long road ahead. She had extensive internal injuries at some point in the recent past. I..."

"Six weeks ago." Jon said interrupting him.

"I'm sorry? I don't understand." The Doctor responded.

"She was injured in the destruction of our primary base six weeks ago. We thought she died in the explosion."

"Oh my. I'm so sorry, Captain, but as you can see by some miracle she is here. She's going to need several months of recovery though. She needs time for the muscles and her nerves to heal from the digitization process."

"Digitization?" Hawk interjected.

"Yes, I heard some of the others who were brought in at the same time saying that they had all been recently digitized by Blastarr. If you would like I can make some introductions for you, if you all want to talk to them."

"Oh we like." Tank answered.

The scratching of chair legs on the floor all gathered their attention as Jon pulled the chair as close to the bed as he could get and took her small hand in his much larger one. Jon was done talking. He just wanted to sit and watch for now, and try to convince himself that this wasn't a dream.

Hawk pulled the curtain closed to give them what little privacy they could, turning to the Doctor, he said, "We'd like those introductions now, please."

"Right this way. The refugees were brought in by a resistance cell in New Mexico. They were dropped off and then the cell left again, but I heard this morning that they were due back here today to gather some more supplies. I spoke only briefly with their leader, a man named Crazy Horse. He didn't tell me much of what happened to them."

They followed the Doctor down towards what was the Command and Communications center for the passages. Once inside, Doctor Hayes located the tech on duty.

"Hey, Leslie."

"Hey Doc. How are the patients today?"

"Today is a good day. Do you know if that resistance group out of New Mexico, leader's named Crazy Horse, has shown back up yet? I heard they were due back today."

"As a matter of fact, their shuttle is on final approach. They're cleared for landing in Bay 5. Crazy Horse is with them."

"Thanks, Leslie. We still on for chess later?"

"Wouldn't miss it?" She winked at him.

"Do you all need me to take you down there?" He turned back to Hawk.

"No thanks, Doc. We know where Bay 5 is. Thanks for the help."

"It's the least I could do."

"I don't know about that, but I do know we owe you a huge one. We're in your debt, Doc."

"You're very welcome. I'm heading back down to the med ward. I should know more by tomorrow when she can go home with you guys." He finished heading out.

"So…Bay 5?" Scout inquired.

"Yes, Bay 5." Tank replied, following Hawk who was already headed that way.

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><p>Ok, guys, that's it for this chapter. Chapter 3 is calling me so there may be another chapter out today. Flipping muse won't leave me alone. I haven't written in forever and it's like it's all trying to get out at once! I can't type fast enough! Lol!<p>

Of course reviews are much wanted! Please let me know if you like!


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